Layers Deep

This is Max and he is the coolest cat I've met in a long time...

I'm back in Lansing for the month of November.  There are all sorts of things here that need my attention in order for me to go back on the road.  It's interesting to be back.  Before I arrived I was nervous that just by coming back it would be as though the flood gates of all the shitty emotions of the last year would be opened and I would find myself in a whirlpool of disaster.  But I'm calm and my intention is clear.  The emotions of the past year have surrounded me and it is hard to do some of the tasks ahead.  I've realized that I am stronger and that my mind is more focused.  My heart doesn't ache with every decision like it did before I left.   A new perspective and a lot of time to think has given me some clarity that I desperately needed.  I'm still so sad --I think I always will be.  But it's ok and I am now finding ways to smile through it.  All along this trip I've been letting go of things that I've tucked away in my heart that slow me down and make me hurt.  And now that I'm here and I look at all my shit --the physicality's of my life and I know the things worth caring versus the things that I must let go of.   I feel like for once I'm not controlled by my shit nor does it have the power to make me crazy.  It's freeing...   

Wow... I haven't posted for sometime now.  Just trying to sort out all the crap that's stuck between my ears. 

In the mean time I took a cool class at Bullseye Glass in Portland last week.  It was a week long workshop in lost wax glass casting and it was amazing.  I've been wanting to understand casting methods better in order to work 3-dimensionally with glass.  And now I think I have a good handle on it. 

I'm back in central Oregon for a few days and then I'm going to make my way down to California to visit my family and friends in the Bay Area.   But I'm also decided that I have to fly back to Michigan for the month of November to take care of all my stuff (fricken stuff --wish my life wasn't so physically heavy...but it is).  And then back to Berkeley in December.   So that's what I've been up to.  

Man have I been lost for a couple weeks.  It was nice to have a place to disappear to and have company doing.  Lummi Island was such a breath of fresh air that I needed.   I've been fighting the urge to disappear --It's a bad habit in my family.  We get sad and turn into unsocial hermits.  Nevertheless I know it's not good to do that and I'm forcing myself to keep in touch.   So if you're wondering about me give me a call (but know that my call back time is usually about 2-3 weeks later...). 

On Friday I was headed up to Mt. Rainier in Washington and as I drove through the foothills my check engine light came on.    I know better then to head up into rough terrain with inadequate vehicles so I abandoned the trip and headed south.  The truck was running close to fine but I could tell something was wrong.  I came back to Newberg OR where my grandpa lives to get the work done on the truck.  It looks like it'll be fixed by this afternoon and won't cost too much --thank god!  My computer also took a shit and it's getting tuned up today also.   And later I'm headed to the chiropractor for a little tune up too...

Lately I've been thinking a lot about this trip and wondering if I'm running away or running home...    I know that if I stopped here in the pacific north west I'd be happy for awhile.  I especially love Portland.  It was were I was born and it smells familiar on an instinctive level.  I'm starting to understand what has been missing from my life for some time now.  And it's about place and community.   I'm concerned that if I just  keep wander how lost will I get?  There is still more I want to go see but I need something --somewhere to be grounded and I feel like my roots in Michigan are soon to dissolve.   And when that happens I don't want to float away...

I am sitting with Tim and Stephanie and it feels good.  We are exploring Bellingham WA but we are staying on Lummi Island.  Are days have been filled with very lots of quietness and soft air.  The mist that settles between the islands here in the San Juan's is magical and the forests are enchanted.  I'm in love.. it's the first place along this journy that I feel inlove with a place and it's people.  I will have to write more but wanted to let you know how good life can be. 

Oh have I been in a funk or what lately.  I won't get into it too much --to be honest I don't think I could if I tried...  It feels like I'm in the midst of sorting out, feeling and working through the depression that surrounds my papa and grandmas passing.  It's really the reason why I was so frighted to come here and just be for a little while.   While I was in Redmond (my dad's town) I could feel myself looking for him.  I know it's not logical but I caught myself many times scanning my surroundings for him.  Wanting him to be there.  

Anyhow I've been staying with family and friends getting caught up with visiting and I think I've hit the point where I just want to be alone.  Tim and Stephanie are fling out to WA tomorrow and we are going up to the northern San Juan Island to hang out at a friends cabin.  I'm hoping that the weather is soft and damp and gives me some comfort so that I can get some rest.  I haven't been sleeping in the truck and my dreams have been totally out of control --so needless to say I'm tiered.  I think it'll be a good time and I'm excited to be with my muffin.

A couple of weeks ago I went to Crater Lake with Chuck and his family.  It was great!! 



And then Chuck, Kathy and I climbed Mt. Scott... and what a view.  There is nothing like the 360 degree view from the top of a high peak.  It's amazing and I highly recommend it. 



We also saw the Pentacles which are old fume tubes (I can't remember really what they are called)  but when Mt. Mazama (what was standing where Crater Lake is now) blew these rocks were created from the off gasses from the volcano.  Geologically this area is amazing and makes me want to be an earth scientist of some sort.... 



Plus it was kind of like a field of penis...

 

I am so glad that I was watching wonderful entertainment last night.  Othello was fantastic and it was a real treat to see such a strong performance. 

But on to my rant...

It ment though that I missed Sarah Palin's speech last night.  As I read the paper this morning it made my stomach turn (I knew she would).  There is just something so creepy about her.  Don't people why she was choosen.  McCain's motives seem so transparent to me...   It really gets me hot that the republican party instilles fear into the people of American.  What I see in the McCain party (as well as with Bush) is that fear is there main tool to control the masses.  You get people scared and they'll follow you.  It has nothing to do with understanding the people you are leading or trying to understand the people you are at war with.   I'm not saying that there aren't reasons to be scared and that terriosm isn't lurking around --who the hell knows certianly not us peons.  But I would like to see some thoughtfulness implimented to try and make our country stronger and more solitified on all fronts.  It just pisses me off that the republican party uses fear as one of it's tools for manipulating and it doesn't stop with the American people...    from another perspective the Untied States is often seen as a very large threating state to be feared.  I always find the definition of terrorism to be so very simple and blatenly obvious in relationship to the current leadership and now with McCains campian:

1.	the use of violence and threats to intimidate or coerce, esp. for political purposes.

2.	the state of fear and submission produced by terrorism or terrorization.

  

Picturers from the crazy Smith Rock hick --this is me pissed at myself for
being so masicistic....



Pretty cool huh...

 

This is Monkey Face, a very popular rock climbing site (in the second
pic there is a guy hanging off the head) ... I can see it in the first image
but the second one... well I was fasinated by it's size and shape...
nature at it's finest....



And the nicest part is after you come so close to death
you can wash up in the Crooked River which runs between
these amazing rock formations. 

Tonight I'm going to Othello put on by the Oregon Shakespeare Festival in Ashland, OR with my cousin Spencer.    It's very exciting the theater is the oldest Elizabethan outdoor arena in United States.  It should be great!! 

Today I got up and thought that I would go check out Smith Rock.  It's north of Redmond, OR on Hwy 97.   I had a friend in high school who did some rock climbing and this is cool place to climb.  Climbers come from all around the world.  So I don't know if I ever really did the entire hike when I was a teenager but I did it today and at points in the first 2 miles (going up Misery Ridge...) I thought I was going to die!!  I read on one of the signs that the trail I was on was the equivalent to climbing 120 story building.  Just for a little perspective.  Regardless it was beautiful and I got my work out for today and it was beautiful too.

I've been in Redmond for a few days.  This is the town my dad lived in and mainly I've just been hanging out with his friends on there ranch.   We are very different people --they are cowboys through and through.  They have about 7-8 horses and plenty of stories to keep me entertained for hours.  Life is different growing up in the wild west --it's fun to listen. 

Yesterday I met with my dad's staff from school.  We caught up.  I like to keep tabs on them and what they are up too.  Before my dad passed he started carving a totem pole with his students.  It's a project that everyone wants to be finished but it's been hard to keep up with a program when the driving force is missing.  So I've been kicking around the idea of coming back here for a month or two to help them finish it.  I've never carved a totem pole but I've done my fair share of carving and I have the skills to work with the kids too.  We'll see...  just an idea.