Layers Deep

This is Max and he is the coolest cat I've met in a long time...

I'm back in Lansing for the month of November.  There are all sorts of things here that need my attention in order for me to go back on the road.  It's interesting to be back.  Before I arrived I was nervous that just by coming back it would be as though the flood gates of all the shitty emotions of the last year would be opened and I would find myself in a whirlpool of disaster.  But I'm calm and my intention is clear.  The emotions of the past year have surrounded me and it is hard to do some of the tasks ahead.  I've realized that I am stronger and that my mind is more focused.  My heart doesn't ache with every decision like it did before I left.   A new perspective and a lot of time to think has given me some clarity that I desperately needed.  I'm still so sad --I think I always will be.  But it's ok and I am now finding ways to smile through it.  All along this trip I've been letting go of things that I've tucked away in my heart that slow me down and make me hurt.  And now that I'm here and I look at all my shit --the physicality's of my life and I know the things worth caring versus the things that I must let go of.   I feel like for once I'm not controlled by my shit nor does it have the power to make me crazy.  It's freeing...   

Wow... I haven't posted for sometime now.  Just trying to sort out all the crap that's stuck between my ears. 

In the mean time I took a cool class at Bullseye Glass in Portland last week.  It was a week long workshop in lost wax glass casting and it was amazing.  I've been wanting to understand casting methods better in order to work 3-dimensionally with glass.  And now I think I have a good handle on it. 

I'm back in central Oregon for a few days and then I'm going to make my way down to California to visit my family and friends in the Bay Area.   But I'm also decided that I have to fly back to Michigan for the month of November to take care of all my stuff (fricken stuff --wish my life wasn't so physically heavy...but it is).  And then back to Berkeley in December.   So that's what I've been up to.  

Man have I been lost for a couple weeks.  It was nice to have a place to disappear to and have company doing.  Lummi Island was such a breath of fresh air that I needed.   I've been fighting the urge to disappear --It's a bad habit in my family.  We get sad and turn into unsocial hermits.  Nevertheless I know it's not good to do that and I'm forcing myself to keep in touch.   So if you're wondering about me give me a call (but know that my call back time is usually about 2-3 weeks later...). 

On Friday I was headed up to Mt. Rainier in Washington and as I drove through the foothills my check engine light came on.    I know better then to head up into rough terrain with inadequate vehicles so I abandoned the trip and headed south.  The truck was running close to fine but I could tell something was wrong.  I came back to Newberg OR where my grandpa lives to get the work done on the truck.  It looks like it'll be fixed by this afternoon and won't cost too much --thank god!  My computer also took a shit and it's getting tuned up today also.   And later I'm headed to the chiropractor for a little tune up too...

Lately I've been thinking a lot about this trip and wondering if I'm running away or running home...    I know that if I stopped here in the pacific north west I'd be happy for awhile.  I especially love Portland.  It was were I was born and it smells familiar on an instinctive level.  I'm starting to understand what has been missing from my life for some time now.  And it's about place and community.   I'm concerned that if I just  keep wander how lost will I get?  There is still more I want to go see but I need something --somewhere to be grounded and I feel like my roots in Michigan are soon to dissolve.   And when that happens I don't want to float away...

I am sitting with Tim and Stephanie and it feels good.  We are exploring Bellingham WA but we are staying on Lummi Island.  Are days have been filled with very lots of quietness and soft air.  The mist that settles between the islands here in the San Juan's is magical and the forests are enchanted.  I'm in love.. it's the first place along this journy that I feel inlove with a place and it's people.  I will have to write more but wanted to let you know how good life can be. 

Oh have I been in a funk or what lately.  I won't get into it too much --to be honest I don't think I could if I tried...  It feels like I'm in the midst of sorting out, feeling and working through the depression that surrounds my papa and grandmas passing.  It's really the reason why I was so frighted to come here and just be for a little while.   While I was in Redmond (my dad's town) I could feel myself looking for him.  I know it's not logical but I caught myself many times scanning my surroundings for him.  Wanting him to be there.  

Anyhow I've been staying with family and friends getting caught up with visiting and I think I've hit the point where I just want to be alone.  Tim and Stephanie are fling out to WA tomorrow and we are going up to the northern San Juan Island to hang out at a friends cabin.  I'm hoping that the weather is soft and damp and gives me some comfort so that I can get some rest.  I haven't been sleeping in the truck and my dreams have been totally out of control --so needless to say I'm tiered.  I think it'll be a good time and I'm excited to be with my muffin.

A couple of weeks ago I went to Crater Lake with Chuck and his family.  It was great!! 



And then Chuck, Kathy and I climbed Mt. Scott... and what a view.  There is nothing like the 360 degree view from the top of a high peak.  It's amazing and I highly recommend it. 



We also saw the Pentacles which are old fume tubes (I can't remember really what they are called)  but when Mt. Mazama (what was standing where Crater Lake is now) blew these rocks were created from the off gasses from the volcano.  Geologically this area is amazing and makes me want to be an earth scientist of some sort.... 



Plus it was kind of like a field of penis...

 

I am so glad that I was watching wonderful entertainment last night.  Othello was fantastic and it was a real treat to see such a strong performance. 

But on to my rant...

It ment though that I missed Sarah Palin's speech last night.  As I read the paper this morning it made my stomach turn (I knew she would).  There is just something so creepy about her.  Don't people why she was choosen.  McCain's motives seem so transparent to me...   It really gets me hot that the republican party instilles fear into the people of American.  What I see in the McCain party (as well as with Bush) is that fear is there main tool to control the masses.  You get people scared and they'll follow you.  It has nothing to do with understanding the people you are leading or trying to understand the people you are at war with.   I'm not saying that there aren't reasons to be scared and that terriosm isn't lurking around --who the hell knows certianly not us peons.  But I would like to see some thoughtfulness implimented to try and make our country stronger and more solitified on all fronts.  It just pisses me off that the republican party uses fear as one of it's tools for manipulating and it doesn't stop with the American people...    from another perspective the Untied States is often seen as a very large threating state to be feared.  I always find the definition of terrorism to be so very simple and blatenly obvious in relationship to the current leadership and now with McCains campian:

1.	the use of violence and threats to intimidate or coerce, esp. for political purposes.

2.	the state of fear and submission produced by terrorism or terrorization.

  

Picturers from the crazy Smith Rock hick --this is me pissed at myself for
being so masicistic....



Pretty cool huh...

 

This is Monkey Face, a very popular rock climbing site (in the second
pic there is a guy hanging off the head) ... I can see it in the first image
but the second one... well I was fasinated by it's size and shape...
nature at it's finest....



And the nicest part is after you come so close to death
you can wash up in the Crooked River which runs between
these amazing rock formations. 

Tonight I'm going to Othello put on by the Oregon Shakespeare Festival in Ashland, OR with my cousin Spencer.    It's very exciting the theater is the oldest Elizabethan outdoor arena in United States.  It should be great!! 

Today I got up and thought that I would go check out Smith Rock.  It's north of Redmond, OR on Hwy 97.   I had a friend in high school who did some rock climbing and this is cool place to climb.  Climbers come from all around the world.  So I don't know if I ever really did the entire hike when I was a teenager but I did it today and at points in the first 2 miles (going up Misery Ridge...) I thought I was going to die!!  I read on one of the signs that the trail I was on was the equivalent to climbing 120 story building.  Just for a little perspective.  Regardless it was beautiful and I got my work out for today and it was beautiful too.

I've been in Redmond for a few days.  This is the town my dad lived in and mainly I've just been hanging out with his friends on there ranch.   We are very different people --they are cowboys through and through.  They have about 7-8 horses and plenty of stories to keep me entertained for hours.  Life is different growing up in the wild west --it's fun to listen. 

Yesterday I met with my dad's staff from school.  We caught up.  I like to keep tabs on them and what they are up too.  Before my dad passed he started carving a totem pole with his students.  It's a project that everyone wants to be finished but it's been hard to keep up with a program when the driving force is missing.  So I've been kicking around the idea of coming back here for a month or two to help them finish it.  I've never carved a totem pole but I've done my fair share of carving and I have the skills to work with the kids too.  We'll see...  just an idea.

 

Uncle Chuck and Kathy being silly!!

And my cousins too!!

     
These four are from the hike starting at Green Lakes and ending on the
Todd Lake trail head.  This river is the begging of the hike and follows the
trail for about 4 miles.  Beautiful falls at a handful of spots.  The second
picture is where we ate lunch.  That's Broken Top in the back and one of
the two Green Lakes.   This is one of the nicer paths across the stream. 
There were several and lots of balancing across on rocks,
 


The truck at Elk Lake.   She's so cute!  When the sun came out
I could finally see Mt. Bachelor.  I was in the middle of Elk Lake
doing some kayaking. 


I try to keep current pictures of my travels on my facebook albums...

I don't know why I was so scared to come here.  But my fears were visceral and I could feel it turning in my gut and heart hurts for him.  Just as I got to the bass of the mountains it started hailing wicked little pellets enough that I had to pull over and laugh.  Here I am going up to meet my family and of course in a two day traveling time I would face adverse weather...  that was my dad all the way... he was into extreme weather.   As I made my way up to Elk Lake to meet my family I felt the comfort of the tall trees.  The truck tugged forward loosing power as we climbed up the mountain --and all at once there it is Mount Bachelor.  I grew up snowboarding and skiing all over this territory and no matter how familiar it is when I'm headed towards it I feel a sense of true awe.  The road keeps going and next is Broken Top a jagged obsidian ridge that violently jets up from the earth with polished black rocks that catch the sun.   The valley that comes next is filled with small streams and wildflowers.  Devils lake is on the left and Elk lake is getting closer.   The camping up here is rustic at best with some site having no running water and usually no more than ten site.  I drive on and find my family at the second campground I pull into.     Everyone comes out into the rain to greet each other.  Camp is all set up --and it's good to see every one.

The night before I arrived was a crazy thunder and lighting storm that was from the sounds of it very intense.  The weather for the next three days was rainy and slowly getting colder.  Elk Lake is around 4,500 elevation and you never know what kind of elements you might be faced with. 

The day after I arrived the rain was holding off and the chill was perfect for a good hike.  It was my Uncle Bill and Chuck, Kathy, Grandpa (who's 85) and myself.  On the map the hike looks about 10 miles but afterwards we all agreed that it was 10+ miles.  We hiked about 4 or 5 miles into Green Lake which sits right in the belly of Broken Top.   It was lushes and green with a river on the side of the trail.  As we climbed the rocks got bigger and half the scenery was black shards.  Once we made it to Green Lake we had some lunch.  Even though it was cold I couldn't help myself.   It was so beautiful I had to climb in.  Family folk lore is told that I was naked... but really I kept my undies on.  It was a very active trail with lots of different kind of people.    We came across these two ladies who'd been packing for a couple days.  They were traveling with 2 dogs and 2 mountain goats.  I had never seen anything like it.  The goats were wonderful animals, very sweet and friendly.  Nothing like a donkey or llama.  

We also heard a tree fall and had the discussion of does a tree make a sound if no one is around to hear it.  And even though we were around to hear it... how often do you stand in the woods and actually hear a tree just fall...?  It does make a sound --one that caught all of our attention.  We loved it!  Not long after that there was smoke in the air.  We found this hiker kind of milling around in concern.  The smoke was in the air and not to far away...  There was a small fire smoldering but the terrain was not very easy around where the smoke was coming.  Just then a fire fighter came down the trail with a shovel and went straight to putting it out.   How it started we don't really know but our collective guess had something to do with the lighting storm two nights prior.   This country is always experiencing summer fires.  It's the high dessert.  From different peaks on the hike we saw one large fire and a smaller one off in the distance. 

At this point we were ready for some down hill action.  The trail was a steady 6-7 miles up hill and we were all looking for some easier walking.  It wound away from the river and the lake.  The landscape got a little drier with only an occasional stream.   But in those areas there would be a couple openings where the wildflowers were wild and strong.  The colors were vibrant.  It was nutrients to my spirit.   We marched on and our feet started hurting and everyone was ready to be by the camp fire.  It took us the good part of that day, lots of time to talk, to think and enjoy the earth. 

It started raining shortly after the hike and the next day brought lot more rain.  We spent our time around the campfire just hanging out and drinking whiskey all day.  It was a blast and my cousins and I did a little skinny dipping in the rain that night -drunk and laughing.  By the next morning everyone was tiered and wet and the rain was un-relentless.  It's hard to camp in the rain and everyone went home. 

I stayed for the next two days.  And it was great.  The clouds broke about two hours after the last family left.  Camp was set up with plenty of fire wood and tarps.  I spent some time kayaking and sitting in the sun.  It was beautiful and nice to be alone to sort some gunk out. 

I'm at my Uncle Chucks now in Klamath Falls.  It's been years since I've been to his house and it better than ever.   His new wife Kathy is a cool lady and the two of them make a great team.  They are reallying into food and gardening and as soon as I entered their backyard it felt like my grandma's spirit.  She always had a fabulous garden.  It's a good place...

I'll post pictures soon --the visuals are amazing....

I washed my phone!!!  I'm totally pissed and can't retrieve much and hadn't backed it up in a while. Dame it!!!!  So if you are trying to get a hold of me or recently gave me your number or made plans please e-mail me off list.

There is more to come... it's been a long week but I have to mull all that over.  At least it'll be nice and quite with no phone interruptions... Aurgh......

This one is for Gray...


You can't really tell but I was about 20 feet above the river sitting
on just a slice of rock. 


My campsite in Idaho... at dusk.


This is me hot and pissed... The last two days I've been driving
in temperatures reaching 108.  The truck has no a/c and so I'm
totally pooped at the end of the days.  What I wouldn't trade for
some a/c... I have one more day of driving in this absurd heat
 before I get to Elk Lake...


Tomorrow marks a year. It doesn't feel the same to
be here without him...  I miss him like crazy.

This is a town I could chill in for awhile... I love this little place.  There is a huge emphasize on biking, hiking and swimming.  It's making me think of my cousin Ben.  He's on this bike ride from Portland OR to San Fransisco CA.  I think about him often and love what he's doing... Check it out.  It'd be cool to do some traveling with that kid.  I can't wait to see him...

I’m about half way through the state at a little camp ground in the middle of no where called Cooney Reserve State Park.  Its south of I90 down 15 miles of dirt road, chatter filled.  I’ve been just driving hard for the most part, stopping when I need to stretch my legs or refuel.  Not really concerned with time or even what day it is… as long as I’m on the road heading west there isn’t much more I can do to get to Oregon.   And so far every night I’m about where I thought I’d be by sunset. Tonight was a particularly wonderful sunset… and even better moon rise.  I don’t know if she is full but if not she’s close.  I wanted to end tonight on the eastern cusp of the Rocky Mts.   Just as I came up a ridge outside Billings the sun was setting straight ahead blazing orange.  It was falling on layers of purple curves that take the shape of far off sound waves.  What a sight –I’m always taken by mountains.  They feel kinda like an old friend.   And as soon as I started south towards the camp ground I saw the moon so huge and bright-- Shining on my shoulder.  Tomorrow will be a nice day cruise’n through the mountains…

I got a call from my Uncle Chuck tonight.  He’s wanting to know where I am and how long until I get there.   He’s all excited and will be meeting my Uncle Bill (and that includes there wives and kids… a handful of folks) on Sunday.   I’m thinking I’ll get there on Monday.  I’ve gotta stop in Walla Walla, WA and pick up my Uncle Bob.  I haven’t been able to get a hold of him due to a disconnected/old phone number.  Grandpa has run through all the methods he has to reach him as well as wrote a letter earlier this week.  The deal is I might find that Bob is a bit resistant to the idea of packing up and going camping for a week… especially on short notice.   He hadn’t been active in our family dynamics for about 15 or so years prior to my dad’s death.  Then we got to see him again when my grandma died… and it’s nice to have him around.  We want him to come around more often --not just when someone dies.  He doesn’t really know how to be with us, he feels awkward and misunderstood as do we with him.  But I don’t care I love him all the same and if I have to drive out to middle of no where and beg him to come than that’s what I gotta do.  I have my doubts but I’m up for the challenge.  I'm gonna make it really hard for him to say no...

I'm in Jamestown, North Dakota this morning.  I drove too much yesterday and it was raining and nasty a majority of the day.  I got a hotel room.  I was in really needed a shower and some privacy and I was exhausted.  I probably won't get the rest I need to start feeling better until I reach Oregon. 

I got to visit with wicked_smile_4u for a few days in Milwaukee...  It was a blast.  We talked and talked about everything.  Went for walks at sunset and  played with rocks.  She sent me on my way with a bunch of new friends that will help protect and ground me where ever I am.   I also got to hang out with her at work and help...  I thought of it more like national take a sub to work day...  But she is the manager at a wonderful store and inevitable I spent my entire budget.   It been kinda of a bitch --in the last six - eight months I've been realizing that I'm allergic to latex.  So now that I have to buy non-latex barriers and toys it's harder to find good selection and it's all totally expensive.    Anyway she was a great help advising me in my purchases as well as a tutorial in how to use them...

I was up in the air as to whether or not I was going to visit graydancer... not because I didn't want to but because I was scared.  I had made my mind up that I wasn't --that I was going to just drive right past and focus on my fears that lay ahead.  But he called me and together we agreed that it was a good time to see each other.  I was afraid that I was going to be a screaming bitch --that all my anger for life right now would boil up and come out of my mouth in some way that was awful.  But that didn't happen... I don't ever want to live rigid because of fear and anger.  So I stayed as soft as possible and tried to just be and I think it worked.   Our time was nice and I'm not scared of him or angry with our end anymore. 

Seeing him also helped me put some of the fears that have been building up about going to Oregon in a manageable mind frame.   I don't know why exactly --we didn't necessarily talk about my dad.  But I think confronting the fears that surrounded him has given me a little confidence.   Fear is more powerful when you fear it and run from it.   Instead of just being scared and moving through it.

Tomorrow I leave Michigan.  It's been a long week and my mood from the time I got here until now has drastically changed.   The week started off high.  It felt so nice to come back and see J and G, Levi, my sister, step-dad and mom (and a few other great friends... too).  Even with all the catching up and hanging out I've done this place is my baggage -literally.

My sister and Levi are having trouble working out being roommates... and the only reason I'm involved is because my life is neatly packed in the basement, along with my studio.  So I'm involved whether I want to or not.  It looks like all is worked out but I can't help leaving thinking that it's only a matter of time before their situation turns explosive. 

I had great intentions to get all sorts of things done... sell my Accord... move my stuff from the Lansing house to J and G's barn... work out the problems with my phone... and all sorts of little shit.   Within a day of getting home I started feeling sick --like mono sick again... having to take naps... being exhausted... sore throat... totally PMSy... and stressed.

I'll be in Oregon next Monday and as it gets closer I find myself fighting an underlining constant panic.   I can't wait to be with my family but it'll be with my dad... and grandma.   Soon it'll be a year since his death.   I feel the trauma of his death and the enormous shock of it all.  I find myself thinking about morbid shit... his last breath... what was it like... did he know it was his last...  knowing he was dead through only a cracked door...  trying to find enough strength to open the door... finding his cold blue/gray naked body...

I tell myself to try to think about other things.  The good things and there are so many... and for awhile I've been able to remember and not that I'm not now.  I just feel like I'm going to be dealing with some of the actual aspects of his death by going back to the place he passed.   It's been a while since I had a really good cry over him.  To be honest it's been really refreshing to have a dry spell.  But the other night I realized I'm really upset about this leg of my journey.   I've been bracing myself for something that's going to hurt... and in uncharted territory.

With all that said I'm ready to leave Michigan.  I'm glad to be traveling alone.  To have time to think and feel this out.  I will see a few friends on the way and more when I get there.  Plus my family is so totally cool to be with.   It will be wonderful to be with them.

Last night I had so much on my mind.  It started off as a conversation with G and J about some stuff that came up earlier in my day.  I was trying to explain myself and so were they.   But we weren't seeing eye to eye and from my end I felt like I was being ganged up on and unsupported --compounded by the fact that there were two of them and one of me.   I'm getting ready to head out, I'm pre-menstrual and I was feeling a bit heartbroken.  So I turned into this crying mess and went off in a huff -totally defeated.  They gave me some space and then came to find me, each sitting on one side of me and together we sorted things out.  By the end I was able to clarify my feelings and they were supportive.  There were some tears coated with lots of love.